


Keith's Lonely Island

by Chandagnac



Category: Macbeth - Shakespeare, The Lonely Island (Band), 乙女ゲームの破滅フラグしかない悪役令嬢に転生してしまった… - 山口悟 | My Next Life as a Villainess - Yamaguchi Satoru (Light Novels), 乙女ゲームの破滅フラグしかない悪役令嬢に転生してしまった… | My Next Life as a Villainess (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Theatre, Awkward Boners, Black Comedy, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Drama, F/F, F/M, Omake, One-Sided Attraction, Parody, Premature Ejaculation, Prostitution, Screenplay/Script Format, Sister Complex, Small Penis, Song Parody, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25013242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chandagnac/pseuds/Chandagnac
Summary: This is a collection of my humorous omakes for mariagonerlj's fic, 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine'.
Relationships: Katarina Claes/Keith Claes, Maria Campbell/Katarina Claes
Comments: 35
Kudos: 98





	1. Jizz in My Pants (Part One)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mariagonerlj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariagonerlj/gifts).
  * Inspired by [My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740635) by [Anommalcolm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anommalcolm/pseuds/Anommalcolm), [mariagonerlj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariagonerlj/pseuds/mariagonerlj). 



> The first three chapters of this collection are omakes which I wrote based on a single line from Chapter 12 of mariagonerlj's fic, 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine', in which Katarina Claes tries to entice her estranged brother, Keith, into joining in her villainous schemes. The problem is that she does this by being ridiculously sexy and seductive, presumably without meaning to be. At least, I hope that she doesn't mean to be.
> 
> This is what she says:  
> "My lord, I know you came to seek pleasure tonight – but I swear to you that I can soon offer an even better source of delight. And I think my proposition will make you happy for a very long time."
> 
> Bear in mind, she said that to him after she sneaked into a brothel so that she could speak to him privately. Um... yeah. I tease Keith for being a siscon, but it is somewhat understandable that he turned out that way, if this is the kind of behaviour he has come to expect from Katarina.

Katarina: (Lying on a bed in a brothel) "My lord, I know you came to seek pleasure tonight – but I swear to you that I can soon offer an even better source of delight. And I think my proposition will make you happy for a very long time."

Keith: (Orgasm face) "Hunghh! Uh... uh again.... harder... come on, don't stop! Oh... oh.... YES.... uh uh ohhh!” (He collapses on the floor.)

Katarina: (Still lying on the bed, looking disturbed) "I didn't expect that spending so much time with whores would have rotted your brain to this extent, brother. What on earth are you doing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first, I tried to put all three omakes together in a single chapter, but I couldn't format it in a way that I liked. I'm not sure that the current format is any better, to be honest, but I wasn't going to spend all day trying out different formatting options. It'll have to do.


	2. Uh-Oh! Boner Alert!

Katarina: (Lying on a bed in a brothel) "My lord, I know you came to seek pleasure tonight – but I swear to you that I can soon offer an even better source of delight. And I think my proposition will make you happy for a very long time."

Keith: (Has such a raging boner that he finds it impossible to listen to anything else Katarina has to say.)

Katarina: (Something something about money.)

Keith: "Gah! She is so sexy."

Katarina: (Something something about Jeord.)

Keith: "Oh God, I am so hard right now."

Katarina: "Keith, why does the mention of Jeord's name make you so... erect? Are you gay?"

Keith: "Nope. Definitely not."

Katarina: "Riiight."

Keith: "Just... uh, what were you trying to tell me?"

Katarina: (Something something about fleeing the country.)

Keith: "After she leaves... the whores will come back, won't they? Otherwise, I might have to pay a visit to Rosie Palm and her five daughters."

Katarina: "Keith, are you even listening to me?"

Keith: "Uh... yeah, sure. Whatever you say."

Katarina: (Incoherent noise of rage and frustration)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this omake is a reference to the lyrics of 'Shy Ronnie', a skit by The Lonely Island.


	3. Jizz in My Pants (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Perhaps there's a meme which would be appropriate for this situation...

KEITH:  
"Last night, through the brothel door,  
I went there looking for a sexy whore.  
Upstairs, in my usual room,  
Peering through the evening gloom,  
I saw my sister on the bed.  
She smiled at me and then she said,  
'I know you came to seek pleasure tonight,  
But I can give you better delight.'  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KEITH:  
(To the brothel madam)  
"Please stop acting like you're not impressed.  
One more thing, I'm going to pay by cheque."

KEITH:  
"Last week, I saw a play.  
As I recall, it was a Shakespeare play.  
Benedick and Beatrice: slap, slap, kiss!  
Which made me think of my big sis  
They played a tune which reminds me of her  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KEITH:  
"I was running down the street, fleeing for my life,  
With a soldier chasing me 'cos I fucked his wife,  
I thought I heard Katarina's voice  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KEITH:  
"This morning, when I woke up,  
I heard a cock crow  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KEITH:  
"I just watched Katarina eat a grape  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KEITH:  
"I saw her holding hands with that new girl, Maria,  
And I  
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!"

KATARINA:  
(Exasperatedly) "Okay, seriously, Keith, get a hold of yourself!  
No, not like that!"

KEITH:  
"I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me.  
And when you glance my way, it's like having sex for me.  
You say I'm premature, I just call it ecstacy.  
I invented sheepskin condoms – for me, they're a necessity!  
'Cos I jizz in my pants,  
I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants. Yes, I jizz in my pants.  
Ahhhhh!"

KATARINA:  
"Are you done?"

KEITH:  
"Unghh, nearly finished. Could you maybe... tell me you're going to make me happy for a long time... like you did before? Please?"

KATARINA:  
(Shakes her head disgustedly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, credit goes to The Lonely Island for the original song, 'Jizz in My Pants'.


	4. I Just Had Sex?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This latest omake was based on the amusing notion, in Chapter 13 of 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine', that Keith Claes is so well-endowed that the local whores offer him their services at a discount.
> 
> It's a surprisingly common trope in fiction, but I've often thought that the idea of whores being willing to give discounts to anyone, no matter how prodigious their sexual prowess or the size of their trouser titan, was kinda ridiculous. I mean, even if they enjoy their work, it's still a job for them. They've got to make a living, the same as anyone else. I can't imagine that they'd be inclined to be charitable.
> 
> Unless...

_Katarina Claes sneaks into the local brothel to talk to Kitty, a dark-haired prostitute who bears more than a passing resemblance to her. Side by side, they almost look like they could be related._

Katarina: (Blushing) "So... tell me about Keith."

Kitty: "Keith who?"

Katarina: "My brother, Keith Claes."

Kitty: "Oh, him. What do you want to know?"

Katarina: "I heard that you gave him a discount. Why was that?"

Kitty: "Well, being with him hardly feels like work–"

Katarina: (Excitedly interrupting) "Is that because he's so big? Or because he's such a skilful lover? Does he give you so much pleasure that you can hardly bear to charge him for it?"

Kitty: (Bursts out laughing) "Bless you, no! It's because he's got such a teeny-weenie that I barely even notice while he's doing it."

_Flashback to an earlier scene, upstairs in the brothel, when Kitty and Keith were in bed together. Keith is flopping around on top of Kitty like a fish desperately trying to survive on dry land. She is glancing at a clock on the nearby mantelpiece, a bored expression on her face._

Kitty: "Come on, Keith, get started already! I haven't got all night, you know."

Keith: (Shamefaced) "Actually... I've finished."

Kitty: "Oh..."

_Cut back to the present day, where Katarina is staring at Kitty with an expression of mingled horror and embarrassment._

Katarina: "I see. Well, that's disappointing..."

Kitty: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said."

_Cut away to a scene in which Keith is trying to seduce a young noblewoman: Lady Rosemary, one of Katarina's friends. She looks exasperatedly at him._

Lady Rosemary: "You! I've heard about you! I know what you're like!"

Keith: (Eagerly) "Oh, come on! I'd really like to fuck you!"

Lady Rosemary: "Well, if you ever do, and I find out about it, I will be most displeased!" (She waggles an accusatory finger at him.) "You know that, don't you?"

_Abashed and humiliated, Keith trudges dejectedly away from her. Now, more than ever, he wishes that the penis enlargement pills which he bought from that snake oil salesman actually worked..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a reference to the title of a song by The Lonely Island (featuring Akon). It doesn't normally have a question mark on the end; but, for this version of Keith, I imagine that it would be a question which many of his conquests would be asking themselves after he'd finished with them.


	5. Drama Bomb Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that I'm going to end this parody fic here (and not just because I'm running out of The Lonely Island songs which I think it would make sense to reference).
> 
> Reading the most recent chapters of 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine', I was surprised by how much I sympathized with Keith. I started writing these humorous omakes because siscons creep me out and I thought the stories of his sexual prowess were ridiculously exaggerated, so I fully expected to dislike Keith when I finally got around to reading about him. However, a more careful reading of the most recent chapters of 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine' has led me to realise that the version of Keith who appears in that fic is _not_ a creepy siscon. I mean, technically, he is Katarina's adopted brother, but it doesn't seem like any of the Claes(es?) ever treated him like a member of the family.
> 
> I get the feeling that his adopted father never really had time for him, his adopted mother hated him because she assumed that he was the product of her husband's infidelity, and Katarina never really saw him as her brother. Instead, she saw him as a little boy she could groom to be her future backup husband, as if she were a Rule 63 version of Genji Hikaru. (Yeah, not cool, Katarina.)
> 
> Keith latched on to Katarina with single-minded intensity because she was the only one who showed him any affection. He was a neglected child who desperately wanted someone to love him. Because of the traumatic events which followed, he was never able to move on past that. Despite his reputation as a rakish playboy and serial philanderer, at heart he is still that same abused child, using his bad behaviour to try to fill the void in his life. Frankly, I feel sorry for him. And I don't like to kick a man when he's down (at least, not any more than I already have).
> 
> I have to give credit to mariagonerlj,and her co-writers, Rhivan and Castigas, for managing to win me over with their amazingly well-written and sympathetic version of Keith. Well done, all of you!
> 
> So, this last update will be rather different in tone to those which preceded it: a dramatic finale to finish off this series. I hope you like it.

THE LONELY ISLAND:  
"Ungh, Lonely Island, Michael Bolton  
Yeah!  
The night starts now  
Together on the track, the boys are back  
The night starts now  
Night starts now baby roll with us  
Chickens snapping at the neck when we rollin' up.  
Rollin' up!  
Blow through the doors ain't no holdin' up  
Yeah!"

KATARINA:  
(Sighing heavily) "No, we're not doing that. We're doing a _Macbeth_ parody. Try to keep up."

 _The play begins with one of the bad endings of the original_ Fortune Lover _otome game. Jeord is standing over Katarina's headless corpse, wielding a bloody sword. Next to him, Maria is tearful and aghast._

MARIA:  
"Oh my God! You killed her!"

JEORD:  
"She had a knife. She would have killed you!"

MARIA:  
"Yes, but… couldn't you have disarmed her or something?"

JEORD:  
"I couldn't take that chance."

MARIA:  
"Um… the chance that she might stab me first?"

JEORD:  
"No, the chance that she might survive."

MARIA:  
(Stares at him in horror)

JEORD:  
"Besides, you know better than anyone what a vicious bullying shrew she was! No jury in the world would convict me!"

_Cut to a scene later on, in the royal bedroom, after Jeord and Maria are married. Maria is going mad with guilt because of Katarina's death._

MARIA:  
"Out, damned spot! Out, I say!  
Here's the smell of the blood still: all the  
perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little  
hand. Oh, oh, oh!"

_Jeord enters the room, with a doctor at his side._

JEORD:  
"What on earth is the matter with her, Doctor?"

MARIA:  
"Wash your hands, put on your nightgown; look not so  
pale. I say again, Katarina's buried; she  
cannot rise from her grave!"

DOCTOR:  
"Ah, I see your problem: she's gone coo coo for cocoa puffs. That's a technical term, by the way. I don't expect you to understand it. In layman's terms, she's crazy. Round the twist. Absolutely bonkers. Stark raving mad. Truly gone fishing!"

JEORD:  
"Is there anything you can do to cure her?"

DOCTOR:  
"Nope! That'll be five hundred gold pieces, please."

JEORD:  
"But you haven't even done anything!"

DOCTOR:  
"Well, there's my consultancy fee, overtime pay for out-of-hours calls, hazard pay, travel allowance, meal allowance, annual bonus, and numerous other costs involved. Frankly, you're lucky that I gave you a discount."

JEORD:  
(Incoherent grumbling noises)

_Later on, a surprising number of people are extremely angry about Katarina's death. Some of the most powerful nobles in the kingdom have joined forces, swearing to overthrow the reigning monarchy. In Castle Dane, the traditional seat of the royal family, King Jeord is pacing back and forth along the corridor, worrying about what is going to happen next._

JEORD:  
"In hindsight, I shouldn't have killed Katarina. Or forced my parents to abdicate. Or thrown my brothers in prison. Ugh, hindsight's a bitch!"

_(Pause)_

"Every day, the rebel army grows stronger. I don't know if I can win this. I wish I knew what was going to happen next."

 ~~SERIOUS DICK~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"I can help you with that, your majesty."

JEORD:  
"You can?"  
~~~~

~~SIGNIFICANT COCK~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"Yes, I'm a dark magic user. I'm in contact with various evil spirits who can see into the future."

JEORD:  
"I see no problem with this! Lead on, Sirius!"  
~~~~

~~WEIGHTY SCHLONG~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"Don't you mean 'Lay on, Sirius'?"

JEORD:  
"No! Come on, hurry up, take me to see your vile demons!"  
~~~~

~~IMPRESSIVE PHALLUS~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"Well, there's no need to be racist–"

JEORD:  
(Bellowing) "Stop wasting my time!"

_Sirius Deek performs a ritual to summon an apparition in the shape of a pale child who appears to be bleeding from every orifice._

APPARITION:  
"Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn  
The power of man, for none of woman born  
Shall harm Jeord."

JEORD:  
"Awesome. So, I'm basically immortal, is that right?"  
~~~~

~~MOMENTOUS MANHOOD~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
(Uneasily) "It sounds that way, doesn't it? I'd better summon another spirit, just to make sure."

_After dismissing the pale child, he adapts the ritual to summon a different ethereal being. This one has red skin, horns, and a goatee beard._

THE VERY DEVIL HIMSELF:  
"Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care  
Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are:  
Jeord shall never vanquish'd be until  
Great Torpen Hill to high Castle Dane will  
Move against him."

 ~~PRODIGIOUS WANG~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
(Winces) "That last line doesn't quite scan."

JEORD:  
"Never mind that! Where is Torpen Hill?"

 ~~BIG TODGER~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
(Points) "Over there, beyond the horizon."

JEORD:  
"Hah! That means I'm safe! Even the mightiest earth mage couldn't move that hill all the way over here."  
~~~~

~~MONUMENTAL MEMBER~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"Er… yeah. Anyway, I'd better be off." (His eyes shift left and right, frantically looking for an excuse) "I've got a holiday booked."

JEORD:  
"Oh, going anywhere nice?"  
~~~~

~~ENORMOUS PENIS~~ SIRIUS DEEK:  
"I hear the Bahamas are lovely this time of year."

_Later on, the rebel army is advancing towards Castle Dane and Jeord's army has mostly deserted him, but he still believes that he cannot possibly be defeated._

JEORD:  
"Hang out our banners on the outward walls;  
The cry is still 'They come': our castle's strength  
Will laugh a siege to scorn: here let them lie  
Till famine and the ague eat them up:  
Were they not forced with those that should be ours,  
We might have met them dareful, beard to beard,  
And beat them backward home."

_(He hears a frightful wailing sound.)_

"What is that noise?"

MESSENGER:  
"The queen, my lord, is dead."

JEORD:  
"She should have died hereafter;  
There would have been a time for such a word.  
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,  
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day  
To the last syllable of recorded time,  
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools  
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!  
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player  
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage  
And then is heard no more: it is a tale  
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,  
Signifying nothing."

CHANDAGNAC:  
(Indignantly) "Hey, that's a bit harsh! I'm doing my best!"

MESSENGER:  
"Blimey! Look at that!"

JEORD:  
"What? I don't see anything."

MESSENGER:  
"That hill appears to be moving towards the castle. No, wait…" (He gasps) "It's an earth golem, the biggest I've ever seen."

JEORD:  
"Fuck!"

_Keith's massive earth golem makes short work of the castle's defences, enabling the rebel army to quickly overwhelm the pitiful remnants of Jeord's army._

JEORD:  
"They have tied me to a stake; I cannot fly,  
But, bear-like, I must fight the course. What's he  
That was not born of woman? Such a one  
Am I to fear, or none."

KEITH:  
(Screaming) "You killed my sister, you asshole! I'll kill you!"

PROMPTER:  
"Keith, remember your lines, please."

KEITH:  
"Oh, sorry! Um… turn, hell-hound, turn!"

JEORD:  
"Of all men else I have avoided thee:  
But get thee back; my soul is too much charged  
With blood of thine already."

KEITH:  
"I have no words:  
My voice is in my sword: thou bloodier villain  
Than terms can give thee out!"

_They fight._

JEORD:  
"Thou losest labour:  
As easy mayst thou the intrenchant air  
With thy keen sword impress as make me bleed:  
Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests;  
I bear a charmed life, which must not yield,  
To one of woman born."

KEITH:  
"Despair thy charm;  
And let the angel whom thou still hast served  
Tell thee, Keith Claes was from his mother's womb  
Untimely ripp'd."

JEORD:  
(Stunned) "Huh. Seriously?"

KEITH:  
"Yes, my mother died giving birth to me. I would have died too if they hadn't used a caesarean section. My father took ill and died a few years later. I thought you knew all of that already."

JEORD:  
"Accursed be that tongue that tells me so,  
For it hath cow'd my better part of man!  
And be these juggling fiends no more believed,  
That palter with us in a double sense;  
That keep the word of promise to our ear,  
And break it to our hope. I'll not fight with thee."

KEITH:  
"Then yield thee, coward,  
And live to be the show and gaze o' the time:  
We'll have thee, as our rarer monsters are,  
Painted on a pole, and underwrit,  
'Here may you see the tyrant.'"

JEORD:  
"I will not yield,  
To kiss the ground before my brother's feet,  
And to be baited with the rabble's curse.  
Though Torpen Hill be come to Castle Dane,  
And thou opposed, being of no woman born,  
Yet I will try the last. Before my body  
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Keith Claes,  
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'"

_They fight. Jeord's fire magic is strong, but Keith's earth golems are all but impervious to heat. The outcome is inevitable: Jeord is trampled underfoot, his body broken and crushed. Keith takes great pleasure in cutting off his head._

KEITH:  
"Behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head!"

KING ALAN:  
(Seated on the throne) "So I see. Did you really have to bring it in here?"

KEITH:  
"Well, where else am I supposed to put it?"

KING ALAN:  
"Outside! On a pole!"

KEITH:  
"Ah. Yeah, that makes sense." (He leaves the room, taking the severed head with him.)

_Meanwhile, Katarina somehow survived her beheading. I don't know, it was dark magic or something. What do you want from me? Anyway, she ran away to sea and became a legendary pirate captain dressed in form-fitting black leather. She was so sexy and became so popular that merchant captains had to queue up to be robbed by her._

MICHAEL BOLTON:  
"This is the tale of Captain Kat Sparrow  
Pirate so brave on the seven seas  
A mystical quest to the isle of Tortuga  
Raven locks sway on the ocean breeze…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I have rather extensively quoted from William Shakespeare's _Macbeth_ and the song 'Jack Sparrow' by The Lonely Island (featuring Michael Bolton). This is for reasons of parody, which is protected speech.
> 
> Anyway, that's it from me. I'll get back to writing 'Please Step on Me, Senpai!', shall I?


	6. No Homo Outro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, I lied. Consider this an epilogue, if you like.
> 
> If you've been reading mariagonerlj's fic, 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine', you may have noticed that her versions of Katarina Claes and Maria Campbell seem to be getting very… close. Now, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea about this. You may think that they would love to get lost in each other's eyes, in a tangle of sweaty limbs, discarded clothes and rumpled bedsheets, and in the throes of sapphic bliss; but I assure you, dear reader, that nothing could be further than the truth! Katarina and Maria are just good friends! Very close friends, that's all.
> 
> We all know that adding the words "no homo" to something automatically makes it 'not gay', right? Well, for that reason, and to clear up any misunderstandings, I have copied some of Katarina and Maria's dialogue with each other from 'My Second Life as an Anti-Heroine' into this chapter, inserting the words "no homo" at strategic intervals. I hope that this helps my readers to appreciate their tender words for each other in the innocent spirit in which they were originally intended.

_When Maria is being bullied by some of the other girls, Katarina gallantly saves her, like a white knight riding to her rescue. After that, seeing that Maria is still crying, she gives her a gentle hug and soothes away her tears._

Katarina: "My dear girl, don't be alarmed. I promise, I'll keep harm far from you from now on. In fact, I might even be able to help you get just what you want (no homo)."

_She escorts Maria back to her private suite and offers her tea and macarons. You may think that "macarons" is a euphemism for something, but I can assure you that it isn't._

Katarina: "If you don't want to be a pawn forever, Miss Campbell, then you need to become a queen (no homo). And who better to tutor you on such a subject than myself?"

Maria: "I… I would be grateful if that were the case. But… Lady Claes, why would you intervene to help?"

Katarina: "Because I want to help someone who may one day support me in return. Whether you realize it or not, Miss Campbell, you have great potential inside you. One day, you might be a great explorer, or a department head in the Ministry of Magic, or even a shining light in our royal court. But to meet those lofty goals, you require some polish and some protection – and I can supply you with both (no homo). And perhaps in the future when I need help myself… maybe one day you shall rescue me as well. Isn't that a delightful thought?"

_They agree to be friends. Katarina gives Maria a passionate kiss on the cheek._

Katarina: "What good friends we shall be from now on (no homo)!"

_Over the next month, Katarina tries to train Maria to be a queen. No, that's not a euphemism either. However, Maria is an innocent soul who has a tendency to believe the best of people, which is not a survival trait in a royal court which is infested with schemers, backstabbers, and two-faced liars._

Katarina: "My dear Miss Campbell, you must stop assuming everyone has the best intentions where you are concerned. Even when people do not resent you for being a flawlessly beautiful and brilliant commoner with the rarest magic in the world, they will want to use you (no homo). And if you don't ruthlessly suppress their efforts as soon as you perceive them, you will end up under their heel. Is that truly what you want for yourself?"

Maria: (Blushing furiously) "I… I don't suppose I have a good answer to that, Lady Claes. In fact… I don't suppose anyone has ever asked me that question before."

Katarina: "Really? Honestly, Miss Campbell, it's hard to believe that a girl as lovely as yourself isn't ringed by admirers wanting to know your every desire (no homo). Are you sure you aren't being just a tad modest right now?"

Maria: "No! No, Lady Claes, I am most definitely not! Truth be told, I don't think anyone has ever… paid as much attention to me or my thoughts as you have (no homo)."

Katarina: "Then Miss Maria Campbell, you must figure out what it is that you want. Because if you do not define your own life, others will impose on you their own desires (no homo). So ask yourself – and if you feel bold enough, tell me as well – what it is that you hope from life."

Maria: "More than anything, I want to be strong enough to… to stand by the side of the person that I… I already _respect_ so very much (no homo)."

Katarina: "Well then. Let's help you acquire all that you long for (no homo)."

_Later on, after training her in how to be a queen, Katarina has arranged Maria's coming-out party. It should be noted that this is a formal occasion at which young debutantes are introduced into fashionable society, not a get-together at which gay people celebrate their coming out of the closet. Neither Katarina nor Maria have had one of those. Because they're not gay, obviously._

_However, at her coming-out party, Maria is mocked and sneered at by young noblewomen who despise her for her low birth. Outraged by their mistreatment of her friend and protégé, Katarina threatens to have these noblewomen stripped… of their rank, wealth, and privileges. Also, she threatens to get them down on their hands and knees and make sure that they're thoroughly punished. While she says this, she is wearing skintight black leather and brandishing a riding crop. Or maybe that's just in my imagination.  
_

_Afterwards, Maria is grateful for Katarina's intervention. Very, very grateful._

Maria: "Thank you once again, Lady Claes. I could – I could thank you over and over, and yet never come close to discharging my debt."

Katarina: "Oh, Miss Campbell, you need not thank me again for undertaking a most necessary action. After all, what kind of example of queenship would I make for you if I allowed you to be harassed at my own event?"

_They sit down together and hold hands, in a friendly sort of way._

Katarina: "You are mine now, dear heart. And I will not allow you to be degraded by anybody when you are with me (no homo)."

Maria: (Blushing furiously) "My… my lady…"

Katarina: (Gently caressing the other girl) "I meant what I said: I promise, so long as it is within my power to help, I will give you the protection you need now. I… I know that you have suffered greatly before and… and you deserve better than to endure countless insults once more. I will do my best to help you get the life that you dearly long for (no homo)."

_Maria pounces on Katarina, giving her a warm and tight embrace._

Katarina: "One day, the world will learn to value you as it ought to. One day, you will be so powerful and loved, no one will ever be able to hurt or insult you. But this is a power you must earn – based more on your own strength and fortitude. And even if you must endure spite and pain and suffering first–"

_With great affection, Katarina kisses Maria on the forehead, again and again._

Katarina: (Tenderly) "I know you can do it. I know you can earn the life – and the love – you were meant to have all along (no homo). And of all the forces that will affect you in the future – chance and history, fear and loss – I know that your own wish and will shall be the strongest of them all. You are meant to be so much more than others see you as – so much more than even you can imagine currently. You are my future queen – and I will support you as long as I can, until you can stand on your own two feet."

Maria: "I know now what you need from me. And I know why it is you pushed me so hard to learn about noble society. And… and I can promise you, I will live up to being the woman you need me to be. No matter what it takes or what I must endure, I will be worthy of you eventually (no homo)."

Katarina: "Dear Maria, I am grateful that you now understand the importance of learning about life among nobility. Difficult as it is, you must master the manners and mores of my kind before we can both achieve our dreams (no homo)."

Maria: "My… my lady… may… may I call you Katarina, please?"

Katarina: "Of course you can! For I am as much your Katarina as you are my Maria!"

Maria: "My Katarina. Mine. And if not now, then – then in some time –"

She kisses Katarina on the cheek.

Maria: "One day I will no longer cower at your back. One day, I will be good enough – and strong enough, and brave enough, and with grace enough – to be the woman at your side (no homo). And on that day, my… my Katarina…"

Katarina: "Shhhh, don't worry, Maria, I already know. You needn't say any more…"

Maria: "One day, I will be strong enough to fight alongside you – to fight for you – and to be the shield that you truly need. One day, I will be so strong and brave and elegant, no one would dare deny our dreams. And then – no matter what it is that people say or what objections they make – I will find a way to whisk you off (no homo). I will chase away your sadness completely!"

_Katarina bursts into tears of gratitude. Taking her in her arms, Maria kisses away her tears and lets her rest her head upon her shoulder._

Maria: "I know. I know what difficulties we're both facing. But no matter what, I… I won't give up. I will work as hard as I can to justify our… our mutual longing and dreams (no homo). And when I am finally ready, I… I will protect you and make sure you never feel hurt again. I will free you from all the cages you hope to flee."

_Katarina kisses her on the nose, making her laugh in surprise._

Katarina: "Of course you will! I look forward to all the rescues that you shall treat me to eventually!"

Maria: "Let's go to bed together (no homo)!"

Katarina: "You're always welcome in my bed, Maria (no homo)!"

Maria: "Let's have sex, Katarina (no homo)!"

Katarina: "As friends, right?"

Maria: "Yes! Best friends!"

 _They go off together and make sweet, sweet love. Because what kind of friend_ wouldn't _assist her best friend in achieving a screaming orgasm, am I right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or maybe that last bit didn't actually happen in mariagonerlj's story. I don't know, I can't quite remember. Anyway, I hope that this helps to clear up any misunderstandings which may have arisen.
> 
> Thanks to Lutka for the original sketch which gave me the idea for this. Also, the title is a reference to the songs 'No Homo' and 'No Homo Outro" by The Lonely Island, which follow a very similar theme (to each other and to this chapter).
> 
> I am aware that a debutante's "coming-out party" is normally a formal ball rather than a outdoor tea party, but I couldn't resist making that joke.

**Author's Note:**

> Goodbye, everyone!
> 
> I would like to take this opportunity to thank mariagonerlj for allowing me to play in her sandbox. I kid because I love!


End file.
